One for the Not-Wine People

I like wine.  I think that is abundantly clear.  But not everyone does.  And you know what?  That’s totally okay!

We got together with some of our good friends last night for a happy hour and birthday dinner, and we made it through a lot of wine over the course of the evening (red, if you’re curious).  One of the revelers would rather drink tar, I think, than wine, and she also has a wicked sense of humor.  This is the witty and incomparable Liz:


Whip-smart, funny, and a big fan of cider…not wine.  While we were discussing the virtues of a good Malbec and the earthiness of great Pinot Noir, she wrote some of her own reviews.  I liked them so much, I wanted to share them.  Honestly, I feel like some of these would sell bottles based on humor and novelty alone.

“This wine hits the palette with all the gentle subtlety of a dying star’s supernova.  Note the tragic hints of consumed planets.”

“One morning at dawn, Justin Bieber opened his mouth.  Instead of the metaphorical vomit of his usual music, the actual vomit of his stomach came out.  This bottle is a celebration of the contents that spewed forth.”

“This wine relies heavily on the bold flavors of shattered fairy wings and broken hopes and dreams. It pairs well with unicorn tears.”

“You’ve heard of wines referred to as the blood of Christ.  This is the blood of Satan mixed with Miracle Whip.”

“Ring in the holidays with tones of rancid caramel and cinnamon sticks that have been sitting in the clearance aisle of the craft supplies store in a bag marked ‘Comfort of Home Potpourri’ for about six months.”

“I was already drunk when I tried this wine.  It made me wish I were more drunk.”

“This wine combines the tang of cat pee with the sweetness of a vapid young woman posting duck-face selfies on social media.  Pair this with your low self-esteem assuaged by your Facebook likes.” 

“Intrigued by the deep living purple of this wine, you will gulp hungrily only to experience disappointment to be compared to biting into a rich dark chocolate truffle only to discover that it’s sugar-free.”

“If you’ve ever imagined the exotic spiciness of a tropical isle married with the smoky peat essence of proud Scotland, you must indulge in this wine.  If you’ve never imagined such an abomination against all that is good in this world, good for you.”

“This wine calls to mind the many bodily fluids awaiting processing in a large city’s forensics lab.  Perfect for binge-watching CSI or Law and Order.”

And my personal favorite:

“If all wines were associated with Disney characters, this would be the Hunter in Bambi.”

I mean, come on?  Who doesn’t want a bottle of that?  And who doesn’t want a friend who comes up with this stuff?

So, thanks Liz for the good laugh and for putting up with all of us armchair sommeliers!  I promise to always have some cider on hand for you from now on.


8 thoughts on “One for the Not-Wine People

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