It’s a blurry photo, I know, but too good a (new) memory to not share.
Our sweet Lucy Blue-Eyes made her big debut over the weekend, and we’re so excited to start getting her out and about to meet out friends and see our community. She had a good time, I think, and was very relaxed about the whole thing.
Mama, on the other hand, was an absolute mess. I know she can’t live in three rooms of our house her whole life, but going out where the people and the germs are makes me so nervous. I want her to know the world, but I also want to keep her safe from the bad things. This, I’m sure, is a parent’s ultimate dilemma.
At any rate, we went to one of our favorite places, and Lucy got to show off a shirt from one of my very best friends, and we had a chance to catch up with a few people, and Lucy took a big nap in the middle of all of it, and it was good. We’ll do it again, I’m sure.
Okay, so I’m a little late on this. I’ve been busy, you know?
Normally, every year, I set very specific goals and make plans for how I’m going to accomplish them. This year, things are a little different and my only goal is to be a good mom to Lucy while I figure everything else out. So, I’m trying something new. A lot of my friends choose a “word of the year” every year, and I’ve never done it. But new year, new things to try. So, here we go. My word this year is:
EMBRACE
Embrace this new life. Embrace these new challenges. Embrace the joys and the hardships and the highs and lows. Embrace myself, and Graham, and most especially, baby Lucy, who is so fun to cuddle. Embrace all the changes and embrace every moment, and hold these precious, brief days with both arms.
A 3:00 a.m. thought. But also a post I’ve been meaning to write.
It’s hard to believe that this time last year, Lucy was not even in the plan. Now she’s here, and she’s my whole life.
This time last year, we’d just gotten Merlin. Now he rules the house. Don’t tell Annie.
This time last year, we were in the middle of renovating and updating and the sounds of construction were the constant soundtrack of our days. It’s quiet around here now, except when Lucy cries, which is not often.
This time last year, I don’t think I could have imagined what things would look like today. How tiring and wonderful and short the days would be, and how much love my heart could hold, and just how happy we could be in our cozy little farmhouse, the three of us and our crazy pets.
I wonder what things will look like this time next year. I’m excited for all the joys and memories to come.
Our sweet Lucy Blue-Eyes is two months (and two days) old!
She surprises me every day. Every day, something is new and fascinating. She’s learning to hold up her head, making lots of new noises, and looking more and more like her daddy. She is beautiful and strong, and I’m the luckiest. I love being her mom. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.
BUT…
With Graham back at work and his work being about as busy as one would expect after several weeks away, being Lucy’s mom leaves me very little time for much of anything else.
(And what is time anyway? Wasn’t it midnight two hours ago?)
Anyway, I haven’t even had a minute every day to brush my teeth. We’re doing well, all of us, and we’re figuring things out, but we have no set routine at the moment. It’s not quite chaos, but it is very different from how life was before. That’s not a bad thing, I think. Just new.
So what does that mean for this blog?
I don’t know.
I’m planning to keep writing, at least once a week. I haven’t been keeping up with everyone’s posts, and I’d like to do that, too, because y’all inspire me to create and push myself and enjoy the process. But for now, I’m doing what I can.
If you’ve been here for a while, you know that I love snow. I love winter, and I love snow. I’m not so keen to get a big snowstorm this year, given that we’ve got a newborn, but I am happy to report that we did see a nice, gentle snowfall for the last couple of days.
Enough to blanket the ground without causing major chaos. And Annie has enjoyed it, which is so wonderful to see.
Lovely, right? And Lucy’s very first snow day! She has no idea what that means right now, but one day, she will.
It’s been a crazy couple of weeks around here since Graham went back to work on January 8th, but we’re doing okay. We’re figuring things out as we go, and I think that’s the best we can do. Unfortunately, it means that at this moment, I don’t have a ton of time to devote to writing and blogging and such, but that will change eventually.
It’s just nice that amidst the stress and change, we’ve gotten to see some actual winter weather. Even if this is all the snow we get this year, I can say that I’m happy. 😊
Wednesday marked six weeks since my sweet Lady Lucy’s arrival, and we are in love and elated and tired and busy and just so, so happy.
And tired. So tired. Very tired.
But she’s worth it. Every exhausted minute of it.
Honestly, it’s so much more easy than I worried it would be. And also more challenging. And just amazing.
One of these days, I will sit down and write about this whole experience – birth and postpartum, being a new mom, learning how to care for a tiny, perfect human. But right now, I’m all about the baby snuggles.
She’s growing and changing every day. She’s making eye contact, lifting her head, grasping at our fingers, staring at Merlin (who is patiently trying to teach her exactly what human hands are for, which is petting him, of course!), listening, watching, stretching, wiggling, and just being the most fascinating little creature I have ever encountered.
I won’t overshare about her here, because I’m sure you’d all get tired of it and wonder where all the poems and short stories went. And I will get back to writing those! Soon, I hope.
Well, I suppose my note at the end of my last post ended up being a little prophetic, because our sweet lady Lucy Elizabeth arrived on Wednesday, November 22nd.
I suspected, through the whole pregnancy, that she’d arrive a little early.
She is perfect, and we are happy and exhausted, and whatever life was before her, now it’s so much bigger and better and brighter. She is our light, and we are going to have an amazing adventure together.
So, I’ll be taking a break from the blog for the next few weeks as I figure out this new parent thing. For how long, exactly? I’m not sure. I’ve still got plenty to write, and I’m not leaving forever. But in case I don’t come back before the new year, here’s wishing all of you a very happy holiday season and a wonderful new year! I wish you joy, love, and peace.
As for me? I’ll be over in my comfy chair, rocking a beautiful baby girl to sleep.
I’m not particularly religious, but I love the music, and the lights, and the cheer, and the way that people come together to enjoy food and good company. I can give or take presents. But everything else about the holiday just puts a big, silly smile on my face. You might say I’m “just like a kid at Christmas.” And you wouldn’t be wrong.
And so I’ve spent a fair amount of time this week wondering exactly how I want to handle Christmas this year. With Baby Girl due at the beginning of December, and knowing just how tiring and challenging those first weeks with a new baby are (and also taking into account that it’s cold and flu season), I’m under no illusions that we’re going to have a big family holiday. Frankly, no thank you. Next year, absolutely. Not this one. But I would like to do something to celebrate, and I’m really going back and forth about whether I should put up my tree and other decorations.
On the one hand, it will be our first Christmas together with Baby Girl, and I want it to be special. I’d love to have a picture of all of us in front of the tree.
On the other, decorating is work, and time, and energy. I could probably put things up just fine, but come January 5th, when the twelve days are over, will I really feel like taking things down and putting them away?
Sigh.
It’s not that big of a deal either way, truly. And I know that. But what would you do? To decorate, or not to decorate? Right now, amidst many others, that is certainly a question.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant. Or, more accurately, I’m 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ll know that those three days, at this stage, definitely, absolutely matter.
I came at 34 weeks and 2 days, which means that I’m officially more pregnant than my mother has ever been, which is a strange feeling. And my own Baby Girl does not seem to be in a similar hurry at this point, which I’m definitely grateful for. I want her to stay in there and grow and get strong for as long as she needs to. She’s currently squirming near my belly button, and I’m so thankful that she’s there and safe and, as far as I can tell, pretty darn happy in her little water bed. But y’all, I’m so ready to meet her.
This hasn’t been a journey of nine months. From the time that we decided to try for a baby, through our horrible miscarriage, up to now, Graham and I have been waiting for this moment for almost two years. I’m ready for go time. I’m not afraid to give birth. I’m not worried about the pain. I’m just ready. There is one way for her to come into this world, and that’s out of me. I’m not scared. I’m excited.
But I’m also exhausted, both mentally and physically. I can’t get comfortable – ever, really, but especially at night. I can’t sleep. I have to pee all the time. My back and hips hurt. My belly feels tight and itchy. Some days, I can’t get enough food. Some days, even the thought of crackers makes me want to vomit. My feet and ankles and fingers are swollen. And though I’m not particularly weepy or grouchy, when I do feel an emotion – any emotion – I feel it more deeply and for more time than I think I ever have before. Pregnancy is crazy. And empowering, humbling, magical…
As we get closer to her due date, I find that I’m having trouble focusing on much of anything. I can’t write the way I normally do, because I can’t really give anything my full attention for more than, like, 15 minutes at a time. Thus, the multi-part short story to finish out the year. It’s the only way I can really get it done. And while we have everything I think we’ll need when Baby Girl arrives, we haven’t set up our nursery. Everything is just sitting in our parlor. It’s organized, but it’s certainly not where I want it to be.
We’ll get there. She has a place to sleep, clothes, diapers… We’re going to be okay. Even though we’re not quite as put together as I’d hoped at this point, and with the ongoing renovation work, things are a little less than ideal, we’re going to be fine.
And I feel like I ought to just get used to that feeling moving forward. Plans? Eh, good luck. Expectations? Keep them nice and low. Boundaries? Yes, needed, set them now. I am learning to be okay with chaos.
I don’t know what this blog will look like once she’s here. I’d like to keep writing and posting. I plan to. I love reading your work. I’m hoping that even if I have to pull back for a while, I won’t go radio silent. We shall see. But for now, know that I’m grateful to you for inspiring me, engaging with me, enjoying what I create, and sticking with me. These next few months will look different, but who knows? Different could be just what I needed. Different could be perfect.
And no matter what, there will be so much love in our little farmhouse. I wonder if Baby Girl knows, even now, just how very loved she is. Soon enough, she will.
A Virginia Writer's Diary 