One day when we’re old and gray(er),
I know we’ll look back and say to each other:
“Remember 13? We were younger and taller
and Lucy was smaller. Here we are now, and
I wouldn’t change a thing.”

One day when we’re old and gray(er),
I know we’ll look back and say to each other:
“Remember 13? We were younger and taller
and Lucy was smaller. Here we are now, and
I wouldn’t change a thing.”

And anyway,
as old and as weathered and tired
as I ever get,
I hope I never stop looking up
at the moon and the stars and the clouds.
If I live to 100 or more,
I hope I wear every year and line,
every scar and gray hair and crow’s foot
with all the wonder and whimsy and
goddamn I told you so that I earned.
Because I wasn’t put on this planet to be quiet as a mouse
or pretty as a picture frozen in time.
I am a woman and I contain a whole world in me.
As much as I was made to nurture and to create and mend,
I wasn’t made to bend.
I was made to roar.
Cover your ears if you think it’s too loud.

I’ve had enough of grief,
so today I’ll focus on love.
I won’t give time to that moment when you lose someone,
when you feel your chest collapse,
you go concave and hollow and you know that you’re alone.
Because I know love never turns to loved.
Gone isn’t lost.
That place in your heart isn’t empty.
It couldn’t be.
It’s just gone fallow, and only for now.
Soon, again,
it will grow.
It will grow new and alive and long, like bright yellow flowers
turned royal blue.
We become legacies
forever and forever and forever
and that love will always go on.

Graham’s sweet dad, Bill, my wonderful father-in-law and Lucy’s most beloved Papa, passed away on Saturday at 6:04 p.m., surrounded by his wife of 58 years and his two sons. It happened quickly, though he’d been dealing with some health challenged for a long time. Meg, Graham, and T sat with him until the end, and I’m glad of it. He loved them, he loved all of us, and he would have done the same. He carried kindness, joy, curiosity, creativity, warmth, and a friendly smile everywhere he went. He painted, and puzzled, and loved wine and travel, and swam in the ocean, and never stopped doing the things that mattered to him

He lived. And in his memory, we will, too. Every day. I’ll miss him. I’m grateful that I got to know him, and I’m grateful that Lucy will carry his beautiful legacy.

He was a good man.

It’s the waiting that’s the worst –
Sleepless nights watching the phone,
willing it to ring,
or better not to.
Those nights aren’t quiet.
They’re sitting alone in the silent dark and
wondering
wondering
wondering
what comes next.
And then the most wrenching thought:
When?
When? When?
No good time.
No right moment.
Just this: The waiting
waiting
waiting
for the one thing you never wanted.
I saw your wings once
in a church
surrounding us in prayer –
dust in the air and soft golden light,
delicate and quiet,
shining through leaded glass and glinted panes
that we created.
But you did it first.

The words just say no
We’re not into it today
So go away please
No wisdom bursts forth
From my aching, thinking head
It’s empty up there
I’m calling it now
I’ll just go outside instead
And take a nice walk

I think this might have been the first poem I ever posted on the blog. I didn’t have a lot of followers then, and I don’t know that it’s gotten a lot of attention. I’m happy to have an opportunity to share it again, thanks to Annie at Tales of a Family, who posted a writing prompt for this week “inviting us to remember the men who shaped our lives – not always through grand speeches or big moments, but through the quiet lessons they lived every day.”
I’ve talked about my grandfather, James, in the collaboration Annie and I have been working on, about how his death prompted me to start my creative journey. But his life inspired me, too. He worked hard, he fought in World War II and lost friends doing it, he loved and supported his family (his wife, my beautiful grandmother and his six children), and he enjoyed the small, quiet moments you can carve out in a busy, not always easy life. He loved fishing, sitting on the porch swing, making music. He taught me to love those moments, too.
So here’s a poem for him, a memory and an elegy, that I’m grateful to revisit, called “My Grandfather’s Guitar.”
My grandfather’s guitar sits in a corner of my study
untouched, gathering dust.
When I was young and he was already old, it could pull notes straight from the air
through his fingers and into my ears.
I can hear them, though he is gone and his instrument’s gone quiet.
When I was young, not even ten,
he’d pick it up and start to play and then I’d go still,
stuck to one spot until he was done.
My grandfather’s guitar in his hands made magic, but I was too young to understand
that music is magic made real for a moment.
A fret and a twang and he’d made something that didn’t exist before
and wouldn’t again.
I sometimes imagine myself back there, wearing muddy tennis shoes with tangled hair,
just listening.
I can hear it, but no song ever sounds the same twice.

Our friends got married in June, their true real love made legal at last. And we were there, their people, all of us cheers and smiles and hugs and holding fast our hopes for a brighter tomorrow, as the One World spire lit up the gibbous sky in rainbows. And my toes, oh my toes.
Pride by the water
Two sweet lovers said I do
I wore the wrong shoes

**************
This is a poem for Rebecca’s May/June poetry challenge over at Fake Flamenco – to capture an imperfect moment in a haibun. (I’m bending her rules just a little bit, by about 15 words. I hope she doesn’t mind.)
It’s also a true story, and a celebration, a lamentation, a statement of support and hope. We aren’t where we were, back in 2016 when Graham and I attended this beautiful wedding of two very dear friends – not least because I now refuse to wear high heels – but we aren’t, as a society, where we’ll end up either. I have to believe that. I have to believe we’ll do better. I have to believe it for all the people I love who love each other but are afraid, for the people I love who can’t be their whole selves without fear and just live every day like everyone else.
You never have to be afraid with me, and I will always have a safe space for you in my heart and in my home. I’m proud of you. And I love you for exactly who you’ve always been meant to be.
I never met you.
I never got the chance.
You were here
and then gone
long before I came.
But I know your face
because it’s the same –
the same as mine,
as my grandfather,
my grandmother,
the people I love who
knew you and loved you
and mourned you every day.
They held you forever
near and dear in their hearts
where no one
no war
could take you away.
I carry you, too,
safe in that sacred place.
I am the sum of all the best parts
of my mom.
I share her two-toned eyes and her thick hair.
She taught me poems
and kindness,
and she chose a good man to be my dad.
I am a reflection of her heart,
a collection of her dreams –
all the love and all the things she wants but never had.
She gave those things to me.
