Well, I’m not really sure where to go from here.

The Accutane works. My face was clear all throughout the holidays and it felt like I got a little bit of my life back, and y’all, when I say that was amazing. Just, wow.

But the side effects. Oh my God, the side effects.

So, let me preface by saying that everyone is different, and everyone reacts to medicines differently, and I don’t want to scare anyone away from a treatment that might work very well for them. But I want to share my experience, just in case anyone needs validation, or has questions, or is just curious. This is definitely not the update I wanted to give.

Let’s start here. My face cleared up! Yay! My skin also dried out everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Every mucus membrane, and nothing I did to help with that side effect (lotion, an Omega-3 supplement, changing soaps and showering habits) actually helped at all. The dryness, though, I could handle. It was expected and wasn’t so bad. Well, not on my face at least. It was less than tolerable in other places.

Which brings me to my eyes. About two months into the treatment, after my dermatologist and I had agreed to up my dose (as is standard), my eyelids just went insane. None of my glands wanted to work. Everything just stopped up, and my eyes got all red and gross and watery, and my eyelids got really inflamed and swollen, and my lashes were all full of flakes and tear residue. And long story short, after a weekend visit to the eye doctor, I can confirm I now have ocular rosacea as well. Because Type 1 and Type 2 were not enough. Sigh. One steroid drop prescription and treatment plan later, and I’m doing a little better. But my eyes still aren’t normal, and I’m real tired, y’all, real tired of wearing my glasses instead of my contacts. Lucy is happy, though, and tries to pull them off of my face a few times a day.

Even the eyes, though, I think I could handle. Maybe. But I experienced some weird mental symptoms, too. My dermatologist did not think they were Accutane-related, but they coincided with the bump in my dose. My anxiety skyrocketed, and I started to have really strange, not-me thoughts about the hopelessness of life. I never think that way. I love life.

And I love my hair, which is now really thin at my hairline. I just don’t know if it’s worth it to lose my hair to clear my face, you know? They say that it’s temporary, but it’s very visible, and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I’m just generally uncomfortable these days, actually. My joints got super achy, and I’m also having some abdominal pain and really awkward, painful GI issues. Again, can’t say if they’re caused by the Accutane, but things are certainly not the same in my gut since I started the medicine.

About a month ago, my dermatologist recommended that I knock my dose back down. I tried that. No changes. So, I tried taking the pill only every other day. I still wasn’t happy about the side effects. So, I’ve just stopped the medication for now. Unfortunately, my face has started to break out again, especially around my mouth, which makes me feel so pretty. But I’m just not certain I want to continue. I’ve got an appointment at the end of the month to check in, and I plan to discuss all of this. We’ll see where we go from there.

I’ve suspected for a long time that there’s an underlying cause to this rosacea – hormones, maybe, or something to do with my gut, or maybe even my thyroid. Maybe that will be my next step. But for now, I’ll just be here, obsessively applying lotion and hoping that my stomach settles down and I can wear my contacts again one day.

It’s how I’ve looked at the world for over two years now.

It started slow, a couple of months before Lucy was born. Just an irritating red spot on my cheek. No fun, but not a huge deal, and I thought it would probably resolve itself after pregnancy.

Spoiler alert! It did not.

You see it, right? Right there on my cheek, in one of my favorite pictures with Lucy. Sigh.

And despite several different treatments and lifestyle and diet changes, it got much, much worse.

SO. MUCH. WORSE.

This was late October. Less than a month ago.

So now here I am, sitting in my writing chair, at nearly 40 years old, discovering skin care and (GASP) Accutane for basically the first time in my life.

Let me back up.

I’ve always had pretty clear skin. It’s been quite a blessing, I know, that I haven’t had major issues with acne or dark circles or unevenness or scarring or anything. I feel lucky. Or, at least, I did. I’ve never had to think very hard about skin care. Some cleanser, a good moisturizer, maybe a toner and a fun face mask every so often. And makeup? Eh, just some powder and blush and mascara got me through for a long, long time.

My entire world has changed.

It’s exhausting, being so uncomfortable in your own skin. The rosacea looks terrible, sure, but it feels worse. It stings and itches and burns, and often at night, it’s so bad that I can’t find a comfortable spot to rest my cheek on my pillow.  Add to that, I’m afraid that it will never go away. I’m genuinely afraid that in every single picture, for all of Lucy’s childhood, my face will be either bright red and covered in inflamed spots, or that it will be so caked with makeup that I can’t really recognize myself.

Which brings me to now, back to my writing chair, watching Lucy nap beside me without a care in the world.

After every treatment and lifestyle change failed, my dermatologist suggested Accutane. I started it on October 20^th. It’s a scary medicine, with lots of potential side effects, a few of which – the dryness, oh my gosh the dryness – I’m feeling pretty acutely.

But y’all, it’s working.

It’s the only thing in nearly two years that’s actually worked.

I’m cautiously optimistic, and hoping I can finish the six-month course of treatment. I’m hoping that it’s a long-term cure, though I know that’s not always the case. And I’m finally starting to feel like my old self again. I can wear makeup and it looks nice and not like housepaint! I can go out without makeup and not worry about scaring small children and nervous pets!

And I know what people say: No one pays that much attention.

But I pay attention. I don’t consider myself a vain person. But two years of not liking what you see in the mirror, that takes a toll. And I’m so ready for something, something to work.

So, fingers crossed. And if anyone is going through something similar and is interested in updates, I’m happy to post them! I might do a monthly check-in here. I don’t know. But I do know that for the first time since before Lucy came, my face finally feels like mine again.

And I’m so thankful (because let’s be seasonally appropriate, right?) for that.