Thankful (A Poem)

I breathe it in,
this feeling –
light as air and
heavy as hope –
and exhale.
I wish I could share it,
box it up
and tie it with a bow,
so you could know, too.
Or maybe you do,
down in your soul,
deep in the roots
of what makes you, you –
what makes us human –
the tug and pull
and steady, sturdy seed
that keeps us whole.
I’m thankful.
Thankful.
Thankful.

*A quick note! Graham has Friday off, so I’ll be taking a break, as well. I’ll be back on Monday, unless Baby Girl decides to make an early appearance. In the meantime, for all who celebrate, I wish you a wonderful, warm Thanksgiving! I hope it’s full of love and tasty food, and that you come away with a smile and a full belly.*

The nursery’s done!

Well, mostly.

We still have a few things to organize and put away, and Merlin’s food will need to move, but otherwise, and finally, we have a nursery!

I’m so pleased with how it came out. We went back and forth about whether to put our books back on the shelves, but honestly, it makes me sort of happy that Baby Girl’s space, at least for now, will be full of books. That’s the reader and writer in me, I suppose.

And we love the wallpaper!

It’s the first time we’ve put wallpaper up in the house – well, our neighbor, who is amazing, did it for us – and I think it looks great. We definitely need a new rug, though. I ordered one that’s a little warmer and more neutral, so I hope it looks nice when it arrives. We shall see!

I know that Baby Girl will sleep in our bedroom for the first several months of her life, but it feels so good to have a room ready for her, all her own.

I just can’t wait to bring her home.

It’s Friday! (Time to finish the nursery.)

And that’s it. That’s all I’m doing with this day. It is a priority. My only priority. Unless Baby Girl makes a surprise appearance, everything else can wait.

I’m 37 weeks pregnant today. She will be here before we know it, and while she has a place to sleep – we’ve set up a bassinet in our bedroom – I want her to have her own space. I want to bring her home to a room that feels like hers. And the good news is, if we can get this chaos (it’s all her stuff, in our parlor) under control…

…we’re in a good spot to make that happen!

Her room has been painted, and it’s ready to be organized. We’ve got clothes, and they’ve been washed. We’ve got diapers. We’ve got the crib, which is so much more complicated to put together than it needs to be, and I’ve been collecting art for this space since we decided to try for a baby.

It WILL get done.

Revisiting a Poem: “Going Gray”

I wrote this poem in February of 2022, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the last couple of weeks. Here it is, so you can read it easily without leaving this point:

Going Gray

When my child asks
why my hair is going gray,
I will say:
“Those are my stardust streaks.”
I will tell her we’re all made
of earth and star stuff,
and one day, once again,
that’s what we’ll be.
And I’ll remind her
that it’s not a tragedy
to say goodbye, even though
it’s sad for a time,
because she can always
find me in the night sky.

At the time when I wrote it, we’d been talking about maybe trying for a baby, but hadn’t made a decision yet. We would, just about a week later. And what a journey we’ve had since then. One day, I’ll write about it, from start to finish, with all of its many ups and downs.

Today, as I’m sitting here, I’m just grateful. When I wrote “Going Gray,” I didn’t know for sure if I’d ever have children. I didn’t know for sure that I wanted a child, though I think I was about 80% there. Now, I can’t imagine making any other decision. I’m so excited for our Baby Girl. I’m so ready for her. I’m so elated to have a daughter on the way, and to know that we’re almost there. December 8th – her due date – is less than a month away.

And it’s incredible to think that one day, she’ll grow up, she’ll have her own feelings about motherhood, and about aging. And one day, hopefully a long time from now, we will have to say goodbye to each other. She’ll live a whole life, and for all of it, even when I’m gone, I’ll be her mother.

I hope I’m a good one.

And I hope that one day, she’ll read this poem, and know that I was thinking about her, even before I knew it myself.   

Another Monday…

…another new Merlin spot. This one’s also an interesting choice.

Do you think he’s actually trying to tell me something? Like, maybe he’s more fond of water than I thought.

Doubt it.

And I have to admit, without the water running, this does seem to be a rather perfect cat bed – cozy space, right under the window, tucked away…

And of course, he’s gotten to use our beautiful, newly-installed clawfoot tub before me. Cats, y’all. Cats.

To decorate, or not to decorate?

I love Christmas.

I’m not particularly religious, but I love the music, and the lights, and the cheer, and the way that people come together to enjoy food and good company. I can give or take presents. But everything else about the holiday just puts a big, silly smile on my face. You might say I’m “just like a kid at Christmas.” And you wouldn’t be wrong.

And so I’ve spent a fair amount of time this week wondering exactly how I want to handle Christmas this year. With Baby Girl due at the beginning of December, and knowing just how tiring and challenging those first weeks with a new baby are (and also taking into account that it’s cold and flu season), I’m under no illusions that we’re going to have a big family holiday. Frankly, no thank you. Next year, absolutely. Not this one. But I would like to do something to celebrate, and I’m really going back and forth about whether I should put up my tree and other decorations.

On the one hand, it will be our first Christmas together with Baby Girl, and I want it to be special. I’d love to have a picture of all of us in front of the tree.

On the other, decorating is work, and time, and energy. I could probably put things up just fine, but come January 5th, when the twelve days are over, will I really feel like taking things down and putting them away?

Sigh.

It’s not that big of a deal either way, truly. And I know that. But what would you do? To decorate, or not to decorate? Right now, amidst many others, that is certainly a question.  

We have a bathroom!

More accurately, we have two and a half. But the one upstairs is officially renovated and done! It still needs some finishing touches, but I’m very happy with it.

I’m so glad we chose warm, bright colors. The green felt like a bit of a risk, but the room gets so much light, I think it really works, especially with the white tile in the shower. It just looks so fresh and clean.

And we were able to install the clawfoot tub!

We’ve set it up so that we have a shower and toilet room, and then a separate little annex for the tub, a closet, and another vanity, and I think that really works, too. It’s also an example of living in a historic home – you just have to use the space you have the best that you can.

Now that this one’s done, we’ve really only got some cosmetic work left. Painting, fixing a few ceilings that look cracked and tired, finishing up with shutters and a few small items on the exterior. It’s not much, is my point. We could do more, but with Baby Girl set to make her debut in a month, we’ve got some other stuff to focus on. 😊

So, onward, as always. It’s going to be an interesting few weeks as we wait for her to get here, but at least I’ve got a nice, pretty bathroom to hang out in, in the meantime!

35 Weeks (or, Getting Real About Writing, Prep, and Overall Chaos)

I’m 35 weeks pregnant. Or, more accurately, I’m 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ll know that those three days, at this stage, definitely, absolutely matter.

I came at 34 weeks and 2 days, which means that I’m officially more pregnant than my mother has ever been, which is a strange feeling. And my own Baby Girl does not seem to be in a similar hurry at this point, which I’m definitely grateful for. I want her to stay in there and grow and get strong for as long as she needs to. She’s currently squirming near my belly button, and I’m so thankful that she’s there and safe and, as far as I can tell, pretty darn happy in her little water bed. But y’all, I’m so ready to meet her.

This hasn’t been a journey of nine months. From the time that we decided to try for a baby, through our horrible miscarriage, up to now, Graham and I have been waiting for this moment for almost two years. I’m ready for go time. I’m not afraid to give birth. I’m not worried about the pain. I’m just ready. There is one way for her to come into this world, and that’s out of me. I’m not scared. I’m excited.

But I’m also exhausted, both mentally and physically. I can’t get comfortable – ever, really, but especially at night. I can’t sleep. I have to pee all the time. My back and hips hurt. My belly feels tight and itchy. Some days, I can’t get enough food. Some days, even the thought of crackers makes me want to vomit. My feet and ankles and fingers are swollen. And though I’m not particularly weepy or grouchy, when I do feel an emotion – any emotion – I feel it more deeply and for more time than I think I ever have before. Pregnancy is crazy. And empowering, humbling, magical…

As we get closer to her due date, I find that I’m having trouble focusing on much of anything. I can’t write the way I normally do, because I can’t really give anything my full attention for more than, like, 15 minutes at a time. Thus, the multi-part short story to finish out the year. It’s the only way I can really get it done. And while we have everything I think we’ll need when Baby Girl arrives, we haven’t set up our nursery. Everything is just sitting in our parlor. It’s organized, but it’s certainly not where I want it to be.

We’ll get there. She has a place to sleep, clothes, diapers… We’re going to be okay. Even though we’re not quite as put together as I’d hoped at this point, and with the ongoing renovation work, things are a little less than ideal, we’re going to be fine.

And I feel like I ought to just get used to that feeling moving forward. Plans? Eh, good luck. Expectations? Keep them nice and low. Boundaries? Yes, needed, set them now. I am learning to be okay with chaos.

I don’t know what this blog will look like once she’s here. I’d like to keep writing and posting. I plan to. I love reading your work. I’m hoping that even if I have to pull back for a while, I won’t go radio silent. We shall see. But for now, know that I’m grateful to you for inspiring me, engaging with me, enjoying what I create, and sticking with me. These next few months will look different, but who knows? Different could be just what I needed. Different could be perfect.

And no matter what, there will be so much love in our little farmhouse. I wonder if Baby Girl knows, even now, just how very loved she is. Soon enough, she will.

A Tragedy Family, Part 1 (A Short Story)

*A quick note: Yes, this is Part 1. I anticipate posting this story in three parts, and it will have to do for the rest of the year’s short story challenge. It’s going to be a good one, at least. 😊 I’ll write more about why I’ve decided to post it this way next week, but for now, enjoy! And thank you for reading!*

Tragedy runs in my family. Or, I should say, my family runs Tragedy. We used to, anyway. Falls from grace, catastrophic accidents, self-fulfilling prophecies of doom and ruin – those run in my family, too. But I don’t think any of us anticipated this particular calamity.

I suppose, that’s the thing about murder.

It happened like this. The sun rose silent and peaceful over Tragedy, and, though no one knew it yet, over the corpse of the late Cassius Fugate, just recently deceased. In the warm orange light of a new day, with the dawn casting a rosy shadow on his sunken cheeks, it might have been easy to believe that he was sleeping, quiet and still, his head propped delicately on a mossy gray stone just inside the village green. But from this sleep, Cassius would never wake.

Or perhaps it happened like this. Cassius Fugate spent the last days of his life investigating the inner working of the Holder family, who’d long controlled the goings-on and the unpredictable financial fortunes of Tragedy, and who, in the last several months, had lost their beloved matriarch, Lorelai Robinette Holder. Exactly what Cassius thought he’d find, no one was quite sure. But Small Town America surely does love a villainous family, and Cassius had just taken over Tragedy’s local newspaper from his grandfather, a man who’d long since washed his hands of any real reporting and seemed to enjoy the more social aspects of journalism. Unlike the dogged and dauntless Cassius, Lucius was a man of fine tastes and pretty words.

The village’s adjustment to this abrupt and uncivil change of style was not exactly pleasant, and Cassius dealt with lots of accusations of “stirring the pot” and of “raking up mud” in the last days of his life. Just like me, he’d grown up in Tragedy, but the town seemed pretty ready to disown him, by the end. People can be vicious.

On his last day, Cassius caught up to me walking home from the coffee shop.

“The littlest Holder,” he called me.

“Hi, Cassius,” I answered. “You know we’re the same age. We graduated together.”

“I’m aware,” he said. “What’s got you out and about today?”

“Same thing as you,” I said. “Work, life, the inevitable need for caffeine and sustenance.”

“Ah,” he said, as if I’d given him an opening. “So it’s not the reading of your grandmother’s will?”

“That was yesterday.”

“And how did it go?”

“Well, Cassius,” I deadpanned, “about as you’d expect. Tears, dirges, a few outbursts from Uncle Sean. We’re broke, you know. I know you know.”

“Are you? I didn’t know,” he said.

Neither of us believed him.

“What are you after, Cassius?”

“Just a fine conversation with a pretty lady,” he said.

“Sure,” I answered. “Then you should probably move on.” Already, his face started to turn a delightful shade of bright pink. “What was it you used to call me? Ah, yes, I remember: ‘Moon-face Millie.’ And a few others, I think?”

Cassius was silent.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to do here, Cassius. I got nothing for you.”

He sputtered out an apology and then added, “That was a long time ago, Millie. I’ve grown as a person since then.”

“Lucky for you,” I said, “so have I.”

And I left him there, on the corner of Schoolhouse Lane and River Road. It was the last I’d ever see of him alive, and the last public interaction he appears to have had.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

My family might.

To be continued…

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Nobody tell him…

I know I said I’d have October’s short story out today, and I’m working on it. It’ll be out on Friday instead, and I think you’ll like it. It’s a little different from my usual stuff.

For now, there’s this:

This is the bench in our new shower. It’s also Merlin’s new favorite spot. Merlin doesn’t like to get wet. Eventually, these two things will be in conflict with each other.

But not today, so I suppose he can have it for the moment. Silly cat.