Our sweet Lucy Blue-Eyes is two months (and two days) old!
She surprises me every day. Every day, something is new and fascinating. She’s learning to hold up her head, making lots of new noises, and looking more and more like her daddy. She is beautiful and strong, and I’m the luckiest. I love being her mom. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.
BUT…
With Graham back at work and his work being about as busy as one would expect after several weeks away, being Lucy’s mom leaves me very little time for much of anything else.
(And what is time anyway? Wasn’t it midnight two hours ago?)
Anyway, I haven’t even had a minute every day to brush my teeth. We’re doing well, all of us, and we’re figuring things out, but we have no set routine at the moment. It’s not quite chaos, but it is very different from how life was before. That’s not a bad thing, I think. Just new.
So what does that mean for this blog?
I don’t know.
I’m planning to keep writing, at least once a week. I haven’t been keeping up with everyone’s posts, and I’d like to do that, too, because y’all inspire me to create and push myself and enjoy the process. But for now, I’m doing what I can.
Wednesday marked six weeks since my sweet Lady Lucy’s arrival, and we are in love and elated and tired and busy and just so, so happy.
And tired. So tired. Very tired.
But she’s worth it. Every exhausted minute of it.
Honestly, it’s so much more easy than I worried it would be. And also more challenging. And just amazing.
One of these days, I will sit down and write about this whole experience – birth and postpartum, being a new mom, learning how to care for a tiny, perfect human. But right now, I’m all about the baby snuggles.
She’s growing and changing every day. She’s making eye contact, lifting her head, grasping at our fingers, staring at Merlin (who is patiently trying to teach her exactly what human hands are for, which is petting him, of course!), listening, watching, stretching, wiggling, and just being the most fascinating little creature I have ever encountered.
I won’t overshare about her here, because I’m sure you’d all get tired of it and wonder where all the poems and short stories went. And I will get back to writing those! Soon, I hope.
Well, I suppose my note at the end of my last post ended up being a little prophetic, because our sweet lady Lucy Elizabeth arrived on Wednesday, November 22nd.
I suspected, through the whole pregnancy, that she’d arrive a little early.
She is perfect, and we are happy and exhausted, and whatever life was before her, now it’s so much bigger and better and brighter. She is our light, and we are going to have an amazing adventure together.
So, I’ll be taking a break from the blog for the next few weeks as I figure out this new parent thing. For how long, exactly? I’m not sure. I’ve still got plenty to write, and I’m not leaving forever. But in case I don’t come back before the new year, here’s wishing all of you a very happy holiday season and a wonderful new year! I wish you joy, love, and peace.
As for me? I’ll be over in my comfy chair, rocking a beautiful baby girl to sleep.
We still have a few things to organize and put away, and Merlin’s food will need to move, but otherwise, and finally, we have a nursery!
I’m so pleased with how it came out. We went back and forth about whether to put our books back on the shelves, but honestly, it makes me sort of happy that Baby Girl’s space, at least for now, will be full of books. That’s the reader and writer in me, I suppose.
And we love the wallpaper!
It’s the first time we’ve put wallpaper up in the house – well, our neighbor, who is amazing, did it for us – and I think it looks great. We definitely need a new rug, though. I ordered one that’s a little warmer and more neutral, so I hope it looks nice when it arrives. We shall see!
I know that Baby Girl will sleep in our bedroom for the first several months of her life, but it feels so good to have a room ready for her, all her own.
And that’s it. That’s all I’m doing with this day. It is a priority. My only priority. Unless Baby Girl makes a surprise appearance, everything else can wait.
I’m 37 weeks pregnant today. She will be here before we know it, and while she has a place to sleep – we’ve set up a bassinet in our bedroom – I want her to have her own space. I want to bring her home to a room that feels like hers. And the good news is, if we can get this chaos (it’s all her stuff, in our parlor) under control…
…we’re in a good spot to make that happen!
Her room has been painted, and it’s ready to be organized. We’ve got clothes, and they’ve been washed. We’ve got diapers. We’ve got the crib, which is so much more complicated to put together than it needs to be, and I’ve been collecting art for this space since we decided to try for a baby.
I wrote this poem in February of 2022, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the last couple of weeks. Here it is, so you can read it easily without leaving this point:
Going Gray
When my child asks why my hair is going gray, I will say: “Those are my stardust streaks.” I will tell her we’re all made of earth and star stuff, and one day, once again, that’s what we’ll be. And I’ll remind her that it’s not a tragedy to say goodbye, even though it’s sad for a time, because she can always find me in the night sky.
At the time when I wrote it, we’d been talking about maybe trying for a baby, but hadn’t made a decision yet. We would, just about a week later. And what a journey we’ve had since then. One day, I’ll write about it, from start to finish, with all of its many ups and downs.
Today, as I’m sitting here, I’m just grateful. When I wrote “Going Gray,” I didn’t know for sure if I’d ever have children. I didn’t know for sure that I wanted a child, though I think I was about 80% there. Now, I can’t imagine making any other decision. I’m so excited for our Baby Girl. I’m so ready for her. I’m so elated to have a daughter on the way, and to know that we’re almost there. December 8th – her due date – is less than a month away.
And it’s incredible to think that one day, she’ll grow up, she’ll have her own feelings about motherhood, and about aging. And one day, hopefully a long time from now, we will have to say goodbye to each other. She’ll live a whole life, and for all of it, even when I’m gone, I’ll be her mother.
I hope I’m a good one.
And I hope that one day, she’ll read this poem, and know that I was thinking about her, even before I knew it myself.
I’m not particularly religious, but I love the music, and the lights, and the cheer, and the way that people come together to enjoy food and good company. I can give or take presents. But everything else about the holiday just puts a big, silly smile on my face. You might say I’m “just like a kid at Christmas.” And you wouldn’t be wrong.
And so I’ve spent a fair amount of time this week wondering exactly how I want to handle Christmas this year. With Baby Girl due at the beginning of December, and knowing just how tiring and challenging those first weeks with a new baby are (and also taking into account that it’s cold and flu season), I’m under no illusions that we’re going to have a big family holiday. Frankly, no thank you. Next year, absolutely. Not this one. But I would like to do something to celebrate, and I’m really going back and forth about whether I should put up my tree and other decorations.
On the one hand, it will be our first Christmas together with Baby Girl, and I want it to be special. I’d love to have a picture of all of us in front of the tree.
On the other, decorating is work, and time, and energy. I could probably put things up just fine, but come January 5th, when the twelve days are over, will I really feel like taking things down and putting them away?
Sigh.
It’s not that big of a deal either way, truly. And I know that. But what would you do? To decorate, or not to decorate? Right now, amidst many others, that is certainly a question.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant. Or, more accurately, I’m 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ll know that those three days, at this stage, definitely, absolutely matter.
I came at 34 weeks and 2 days, which means that I’m officially more pregnant than my mother has ever been, which is a strange feeling. And my own Baby Girl does not seem to be in a similar hurry at this point, which I’m definitely grateful for. I want her to stay in there and grow and get strong for as long as she needs to. She’s currently squirming near my belly button, and I’m so thankful that she’s there and safe and, as far as I can tell, pretty darn happy in her little water bed. But y’all, I’m so ready to meet her.
This hasn’t been a journey of nine months. From the time that we decided to try for a baby, through our horrible miscarriage, up to now, Graham and I have been waiting for this moment for almost two years. I’m ready for go time. I’m not afraid to give birth. I’m not worried about the pain. I’m just ready. There is one way for her to come into this world, and that’s out of me. I’m not scared. I’m excited.
But I’m also exhausted, both mentally and physically. I can’t get comfortable – ever, really, but especially at night. I can’t sleep. I have to pee all the time. My back and hips hurt. My belly feels tight and itchy. Some days, I can’t get enough food. Some days, even the thought of crackers makes me want to vomit. My feet and ankles and fingers are swollen. And though I’m not particularly weepy or grouchy, when I do feel an emotion – any emotion – I feel it more deeply and for more time than I think I ever have before. Pregnancy is crazy. And empowering, humbling, magical…
As we get closer to her due date, I find that I’m having trouble focusing on much of anything. I can’t write the way I normally do, because I can’t really give anything my full attention for more than, like, 15 minutes at a time. Thus, the multi-part short story to finish out the year. It’s the only way I can really get it done. And while we have everything I think we’ll need when Baby Girl arrives, we haven’t set up our nursery. Everything is just sitting in our parlor. It’s organized, but it’s certainly not where I want it to be.
We’ll get there. She has a place to sleep, clothes, diapers… We’re going to be okay. Even though we’re not quite as put together as I’d hoped at this point, and with the ongoing renovation work, things are a little less than ideal, we’re going to be fine.
And I feel like I ought to just get used to that feeling moving forward. Plans? Eh, good luck. Expectations? Keep them nice and low. Boundaries? Yes, needed, set them now. I am learning to be okay with chaos.
I don’t know what this blog will look like once she’s here. I’d like to keep writing and posting. I plan to. I love reading your work. I’m hoping that even if I have to pull back for a while, I won’t go radio silent. We shall see. But for now, know that I’m grateful to you for inspiring me, engaging with me, enjoying what I create, and sticking with me. These next few months will look different, but who knows? Different could be just what I needed. Different could be perfect.
And no matter what, there will be so much love in our little farmhouse. I wonder if Baby Girl knows, even now, just how very loved she is. Soon enough, she will.
I’ve mentioned before that I come from a pretty musical family. It’s how we celebrate, how we have fun, and how we share special moments and memories. And so it doesn’t surprise me at all that around the time I was born, my parents wrote me a song.
I don’t think I realized just how special that was until I was much older, and now I’m so grateful to have it, to hear it still, and to be able to share it now with you.
That’s my mom singing. My dad’s best friend produced the recording (many years ago). And he’s also drawn an adorable onesie for Baby Girl, who seems to already love music, based on how she squirms around in my belly when I sing to her.
How perfect is it? Seriously. He even captured Merlin’s magnificent tail! It was meant to be a guest book at our baby shower, but I just couldn’t let anyone sign it, so our guests signed a plain onesie, and this one will go in a frame that she can have as a keepsake.
At any rate, I’ve been trying for the last couple of weeks to write a song for Baby Girl, and I’ve made some progress. But I’m not there yet. As with many things in life, I think it’s just going to come to me all at once, when the time is right. Doubtless the time will be right when I’m preoccupied with something else, but that’s fine. Special things are worth a pause in the action.
We did a maternity photoshoot a couple of weeks ago, and I’m so happy to have some wonderful pictures of this time in our lives. Such precious memories, and one day, we’ll be able to share these with Baby Girl.
(Credit to Jessica Simpson Photography. She did such a good job working with us and capturing all of our goofy faces.)
A Virginia Writer's Diary 