Personal Essays

35 Weeks (or, Getting Real About Writing, Prep, and Overall Chaos)

/ Katie / 35 Comments

I’m 35 weeks pregnant. Or, more accurately, I’m 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ll know that those three days, at this stage, definitely, absolutely matter.

I came at 34 weeks and 2 days, which means that I’m officially more pregnant than my mother has ever been, which is a strange feeling. And my own Baby Girl does not seem to be in a similar hurry at this point, which I’m definitely grateful for. I want her to stay in there and grow and get strong for as long as she needs to. She’s currently squirming near my belly button, and I’m so thankful that she’s there and safe and, as far as I can tell, pretty darn happy in her little water bed. But y’all, I’m so ready to meet her.

This hasn’t been a journey of nine months. From the time that we decided to try for a baby, through our horrible miscarriage, up to now, Graham and I have been waiting for this moment for almost two years. I’m ready for go time. I’m not afraid to give birth. I’m not worried about the pain. I’m just ready. There is one way for her to come into this world, and that’s out of me. I’m not scared. I’m excited.

But I’m also exhausted, both mentally and physically. I can’t get comfortable – ever, really, but especially at night. I can’t sleep. I have to pee all the time. My back and hips hurt. My belly feels tight and itchy. Some days, I can’t get enough food. Some days, even the thought of crackers makes me want to vomit. My feet and ankles and fingers are swollen. And though I’m not particularly weepy or grouchy, when I do feel an emotion – any emotion – I feel it more deeply and for more time than I think I ever have before. Pregnancy is crazy. And empowering, humbling, magical…

As we get closer to her due date, I find that I’m having trouble focusing on much of anything. I can’t write the way I normally do, because I can’t really give anything my full attention for more than, like, 15 minutes at a time. Thus, the multi-part short story to finish out the year. It’s the only way I can really get it done. And while we have everything I think we’ll need when Baby Girl arrives, we haven’t set up our nursery. Everything is just sitting in our parlor. It’s organized, but it’s certainly not where I want it to be.

We’ll get there. She has a place to sleep, clothes, diapers… We’re going to be okay. Even though we’re not quite as put together as I’d hoped at this point, and with the ongoing renovation work, things are a little less than ideal, we’re going to be fine.

And I feel like I ought to just get used to that feeling moving forward. Plans? Eh, good luck. Expectations? Keep them nice and low. Boundaries? Yes, needed, set them now. I am learning to be okay with chaos.

I don’t know what this blog will look like once she’s here. I’d like to keep writing and posting. I plan to. I love reading your work. I’m hoping that even if I have to pull back for a while, I won’t go radio silent. We shall see. But for now, know that I’m grateful to you for inspiring me, engaging with me, enjoying what I create, and sticking with me. These next few months will look different, but who knows? Different could be just what I needed. Different could be perfect.

And no matter what, there will be so much love in our little farmhouse. I wonder if Baby Girl knows, even now, just how very loved she is. Soon enough, she will.

Is my house haunted?

/ Katie / 22 Comments

When Graham and I decided to buy an old house, and in the process of looking for just the right one, a surprising number of people asked us if we were worried about ghosts. And the short answer is, no, not especially.

I believe in ghosts. I always have. And I’ve been to a few places I’m certain are really, truly haunted. But I’m not particularly afraid of ghosts, and as we toured historic homes, I wasn’t concerned that we might be walking into our own ghost story.

We did look at one home – it was our second choice, actually – that I felt pretty certain had a ghost or two.

But our house? No, I don’t think it’s haunted.

It’s a question we get a lot. Every time someone comes to visit for the first time, they usually ask. And I can’t blame them! This is, after all, a very old house in a very old village with a cavalry battle in its history. There’s certainly been a lot of opportunity for this house to acquire a spirit or two.

And sometimes, I wonder if I might be wrong.

Often, people will suggest we do a ghost hunt. They’ll offer, and talk about how exciting it would be, and how their friends are really into that kind of thing. And…just no. Y’all, I have to live here. Why would I want to invite the possibility of being frightened in my own home?

This house is cozy. It’s happy. I’ve always felt like it’s a happy space. And so, even if there is a ghost or two roaming around, I don’t think they have any intention of bothering us. I feel lucky to live here, and grateful. A house doesn’t have to have a ghost story to have a story. I’m fortunate to be part of this one.  

Marvelous, Musical Keepsakes

/ Katie / 17 Comments

I’ve mentioned before that I come from a pretty musical family. It’s how we celebrate, how we have fun, and how we share special moments and memories. And so it doesn’t surprise me at all that around the time I was born, my parents wrote me a song.

I don’t think I realized just how special that was until I was much older, and now I’m so grateful to have it, to hear it still, and to be able to share it now with you.

That’s my mom singing. My dad’s best friend produced the recording (many years ago). And he’s also drawn an adorable onesie for Baby Girl, who seems to already love music, based on how she squirms around in my belly when I sing to her.

How perfect is it? Seriously. He even captured Merlin’s magnificent tail! It was meant to be a guest book at our baby shower, but I just couldn’t let anyone sign it, so our guests signed a plain onesie, and this one will go in a frame that she can have as a keepsake.

At any rate, I’ve been trying for the last couple of weeks to write a song for Baby Girl, and I’ve made some progress. But I’m not there yet. As with many things in life, I think it’s just going to come to me all at once, when the time is right. Doubtless the time will be right when I’m preoccupied with something else, but that’s fine. Special things are worth a pause in the action.

What makes a good ghost story?

/ Katie / 18 Comments

Halloween and Christmas are my two favorite holidays, and I’d have a really hard time choosing between them. But there is one thing that I love that’s definitely more Halloween, and that’s a good ghost story.

(As you can imagine, A Christmas Carol is an absolute forever favorite. Christmas and ghosts? Yes, please!)

But over the last few weeks, as I’ve been sitting a lot, thinking about writing without actually writing much, I’ve been pondering: What makes a good ghost story? What elements come together to make something truly spooky? Or sad. Or happy. Not every ghost story has to be scary. Right?

Or should it?

When I think about my favorite ghost stories, there isn’t really anything consistent among them. Some are scary. Some are psychological. Some are funny.

I love BBC’s Ghosts, which is funny and heartwarming and about as far from creepy or spooky as you can get. I was really struck by the quiet, tense storytelling of I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House. Netflix’s The Haunting of Hill House is sort of a revelation for psychological hauntings – the things that haunt us not because they’re real ghosts, but because they’re our ghosts. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman is sweet and sad. Jonathan Stroud’s Lockwood and Co. series (the books, but the show on Netflix, as well) is such an interesting exercise in building an alternate world that feels close to our own, but is one we definitely wouldn’t want to live in. And certainly some of the old stories, like The Turn of the Screw and The Tell-Tale Heart, they stick with me. That building sense of dread, there’s really nothing else like it.

All of that to say, there are so many components, I think, that can make a really good ghost story. And some that can make an otherwise great story feel hokey and silly. Jump scares are fun, but they need to be used sparingly for maximum impact. There’s more to fear in what you don’t see, what you imagine and build up in your head, than in what you do see.

I’m rambling, I know. But I’m curious. What are your favorite ghost stories? What draws you in, or pushes you away? How do you like to see ghost stories end? Do you like to be scared in the first place?

I do, within the secure confines of my comfy chair and cozy living room. And that’s the power of stories, isn’t it? To be scared – or sad, or angry, or worried – but ultimately safe.

Baby Party Break!

/ Katie / 13 Comments

We’ve got some family visiting this weekend, and we’ve planned what I hope will be a very enjoyable baby party, despite the weather not cooperating. (Because yes, after a whole summer with no rain, it now rains like clockwork every Saturday.)

So, in light of the upcoming busy-ness, I’ve decided to take a quick blogging break. I don’t like to do this without planning ahead, but I feel like I can’t focus well on my writing right now. So much else going on over these next few days! (And that’s not even mentioning the work going on in the house – the bathroom’s coming together!) It’s lovely, appreciated chaos, and I’m so excited to celebrate Baby Girl with some of my favorite people in the world.

And hopefully, I’ll have the energy to do just that, because you guys, pregnancy takes it out of you. I can’t sleep these days. It’s impossible to get and stay comfortable, and Baby Girl is a little gymnast. If I don’t nap for a couple of hours during the day, I’m pretty much a drooling zombie. But a very happy drooling zombie. We’re 32 weeks on Friday, and I just can’t wait to meet this kid. If you’d told me three years ago I’d be looking forward to motherhood this way, I would have called you crazy. Now, I’m so ready for this shift, and I’m eager to see who I’ll be – how I’ll change, how I won’t – come December. But I do miss sleep. Already. And as I understand it, that doesn’t get better for a little while. Worth it, though. So worth it.  

All of that being said, I’ll be back on Wednesday, October 18th, and I’ve got lots of fun posts planned – an update on the (possibly) most haunted house in Loudoun County, some thoughts on spooky season and why Halloween is the best, a call for some Q&A questions now that I’ve hit 1000 followers (thank you so much for reading and sticking around!), and of course, October’s short story.

So, stop by next week and we’ll catch up! For now, happy creating, y’all!

What’s in a name?

/ Katie / 28 Comments

Lately, Graham and I have been talking extensively about what we want to name our Baby Girl, because cute as it is, she can’t just be “Baby Girl” forever. And y’all, it’s so hard.

Funny story: I was born six weeks early, and my parents hadn’t decided on my name yet. They’d gone back and forth on several different choices, and just couldn’t seem to agree. Finally, it came down to it, and they were unexpectedly out of time. My mom wanted just “Katie.” My dad said I’d want a more mature name as I got older, and suggested “Kathryn.” Kathryn stuck, but I’ve been Katie my whole life. When someone calls me Kathryn, I genuinely have no idea who they’re talking to. I’ve missed more than one question at school, and sat awkwardly several times in doctor’s offices as they call me back over and over again. To be clear, I’m fine with the name Kathryn, and I like the spelling my parents chose. But my name is Katie. It always has been.

And that’s how it should be, right? Your name just fits. But how are we supposed to get there?

I won’t share them here, because then it’ll be a fun surprise, but we’ve narrowed our list down to two names. I don’t know which one we’ll choose. We use them every day, just to see if one feels better than the other. We like them both. Which one, though, is HER name? Which one will she connect with?

I’m probably overthinking this.

But then, am I?

Unless she decides to change her name when she’s older – which would be fine, since it’s her name and her life – we get one chance to get this right. I don’t want to let her down.

Happy Friday! (Or, Lots of Good Things)

/ Katie / 21 Comments

And it is a very happy Friday indeed! Why? Well –

First of all, I passed my 3-hour glucose tolerance test. “With flying colors,” said my provider. The test itself was just as awful as I thought it would be, but I’m still grateful for it, and I’m grateful to know the results. The momentary discomfort is worth the knowledge, and if things had turned out differently, I would have been glad to know that, too. Once upon a time, I wouldn’t have known at all, and the outcome for me and Baby Girl might very well have been affected. I’m thankful to be alive and pregnant in a time when testing like this is available, routine, and designed to help both mama and baby stay healthy.

So, yay! I can still have cake and other lovely sweet stuff, which is nice, because yesterday was our ten-year wedding anniversary, and Graham and I celebrated with a really good dinner capped off with a very tasty dessert.

White chocolate bread pudding with apple gelato and jam. So, so delicious. (If you want to get it, too, and find yourself in our little corner of Virginia, then I’d encourage you to check out The Ashby Inn and Restaurant in the beautiful village of Paris, Virginia.)   

Ten years married, almost fifteen together, and Graham is still my favorite person in the whole world. 10 out of 10. Would marry again.

And on top of the other good stuff this week, work on the kitchen is coming along wonderfully and should be done quite soon.

The tile looks great, the cabinets and countertops complement each other exactly as I thought they would, and the retro-style appliances fit right in.

Not every week is a great week, but this one’s been pretty good, all things considered. I’m 28 weeks pregnant today, which means I’m officially in my third trimester, and I just can’t wait to meet this baby. I know our world will look very different soon, but I’m ready for those changes, and excited for them. Right now, the future sure does look bright. And I’m just very, very happy.

I hope you are, too.

Merlin’s Monday Reminder

/ Katie / 2 Comments

When you’re anxious, when you’re busy, when life just feels a little overwhelming…

Smile. Laugh. Be positive. Because mindset is a powerful thing.

(Short story up in Wednesday, so come back and visit! Wishing everyone a good week of creating and being awesome.)

I Failed, Y’all (Or, The Dreaded Glucose Tolerance Test)

/ Katie / 36 Comments

If you’ve been pregnant, you know what I’m talking about. And hopefully, you got a better result than mine.

Because I failed.

Let me back up.

With the disclaimer that I am not a doctor and I’m only giving a high-level overview based on my understanding, here’s what I know. One of the standard tests you get when you’re pregnant is a blood test to see how your body is processing sugar. You start with a screening test, and it’s important to do, because it can determine whether or not you have gestational diabetes, which is bad, if left untreated. Your medical provider will give you a super sweet, syrupy beverage to drink in five minutes – I promise it’s not actually that terrible and tastes mostly like a melted popsicle – and then an hour later, will draw your blood to check your sugar level. Sounds simple, and really, it is. If you pass, you’re good to go. It gets a little more complicated if you fail.

Which I did.

Not by much, but by enough that I am now required to take the three-hour diagnostic test. This test will tell me definitively whether I have gestational diabetes. It’s an important thing to know, and I think something like ten percent of women will develop gestational diabetes in their pregnancies. From what I’ve read, it’s often not a result of lifestyle choices, and has a lot more to do with hormones and how your body reacts to having a placenta. I’m grateful to be alive and pregnant in a time when this test is routine and available, and when gestational diabetes is something we know how to manage. But man, I’m just not looking forward to that test. It’ll be a total of twelve hours of fasting, a larger sugar drink, and four blood draws total over the course of three hours. It’s not going to be fun. But it’s worth it. It really is.

So, I’m planning to take it easy this weekend. I’ve got a short story to write, which I’m planning to post on Monday. (And by then, it will only be eleven days late!) And then the test on Tuesday. Work in the kitchen continues, and we’ve officially got three months until Baby Girl’s due date.

Things are happening, y’all. It feels like barely controlled chaos in my house (in my life, I think) right now, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  

Time Marches On

/ Katie / 18 Comments

As of today, we’ve got 100 days left until Baby Girl’s due date. It feels like forever and way too fast to get everything ready.

As of yesterday, Merlin (the Magic Cat) is a year old.

As of this week, the kitchen’s coming along nicely. New paint.

One section of countertops and a new sink.

And lots left to do. But even small steps are steps forward.

It’s short story time, and I’ve got nothing. I plan to work on it throughout this week and weekend, but it will be next week before August’s short story gets posted. We’re visiting family starting tomorrow, and I just know I won’t have time.

Time, time, time. Funny thing, isn’t it? Infinite, theoretically, but it certainly doesn’t work that way for us. But as the old song says, it certainly marches on.

I’ll be taking a break Friday and Monday, but I’ll be back on Wednesday, hopefully with a late short story for August. In the meantime, I wish y’all happy creating! And if you’re in the US, a lovely holiday weekend!